I put a lot of pressure on my writing. Sometimes writing about mental health is a release. It helps me express things I can’t say, and put into words a feeling or emotion I’ve had trouble explaining. But it’s also difficult, in many ways, to write when experiencing anxiety. In those moments, it feels like every word has to be perfect or flow naturally. But perfection is the enemy of good (I’m trying hard to learn this lesson), so I want to share a little of how I’m feeling at the moment.
Writing posts about how I feel isn’t always easy. Sometimes the words come pouring out of me; other times, I spend minutes trying to find the right sentence to write. Writing is one of my favorite things to do, but it doesn’t always come easy. And that can be frustrating, saddening and disappointing. Sometimes, I write about how hard it is to even write a post at all. And this is one of those posts.
A few weeks ago, my grandpa passed away. I miss him. His passing and the subsequent wake and funeral were a whirlwind of travel, logistics and making sure my family was okay. Grief came and went in waves; some moments I was fine, and others I was crying my eyes out. I tried to stay as focused as I could through it all, but some moments got the better of me. It also hurt to see so many people that I love who were hurt, too.
As a writer, I’m always going to want to find the perfect thing to say, especially when it comes to my thoughts and feelings. But today, in this moment, it feels impossible. And that’s okay. I don’t have all the words today. I can’t succinctly reflect on what’s been going through my head in the past few weeks, and that’s normal. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and there’s nothing I’m supposed to do or be in the meantime. So I’ll keep going.
I’m going to do my best to keep posting on this blog because it’s so helpful to me and (from what I’ve heard) many others. But I think context is so important, and I hope knowing what’s going on in my life is helpful context for whatever I write next. I’m hurting, I’m grieving, I’m sad. I love my grandpa and I miss him. And right now, it’s enough to know all these things.