I’m starting a new series called Letters From A Broken Heart. Each part in this series will be a letter to an ex-lover who broke my heart. These are my raw and honest feelings. It’s a little terrifying opening myself up and being this vulnerable, but it’s a cathartic and healing experience. I hope sharing these letters will be healing for my readers as well.
This is E.W.s story.
I hate that I’m even writing to you. When I thought about creating this series of letters, I knew I’d have to tell your story. Our story. I feel triggered already and I’ve barely started writing.
I have so much hate in my heart for you. I thought after 5 years it’d have dissipated but whenever I think of you, I become enraged. You’re an abusive piece of shit.
For months, you physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused me. For months, you lied to me, manipulated me, and cheated on me. For months, you used me. There were several red flags in the beginning that I didn’t know were red flags until we broke up for good.
I still remember the first time you hit me in the face. I never thought I’d have to fear the person I loved. I kept the abuse to myself because I was too ashamed to tell anyone else. Especially since I knew I wasn’t going to leave you. I loved you. I felt weak for you. Which is why I stayed through the abuse and cheating. I stayed even though I was unhappy. I kept waiting for you to go back to being the charming man you were in the beginning, but that was just you wearing a mask. I should’ve left after the first time you took off your mask but I was so afraid of starting over.
I stopped writing while we were together. I was so miserable that I gave up my passion. I also had my most traumatic suicide attempt while we were together and not once did you show any kind of support. Not once did you visit me while I was hospitalized. You never cared about me and you definitely never loved me.
Abuse is not love. I took the abuse because I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t love myself so I allowed you to continuously harm me.
The bruises you left on my body healed over time but the mental + emotional impact you abusing me had on me is still present. I don’t think the pain will ever completely go away.
I remember you telling me that I made you hit me. You convinced me that the abuse was my fault and it took years for me to understand that it wasn’t. It took years for me to realize that you’re just a fucked up person who’s extremely damaged and that there was nothing I could or should have done differently to stop you from putting your hands on me. Besides leaving of course. I’m not sure what was more painful: The abuse or the continuous cheating. I constantly found myself questioning why I wasn’t good enough for you. I wondered why all the love I was giving you wasn’t enough to make you stay faithful.
After much healing, I realized that I was always good enough. I was always worthy and deserving of genuine love. It was you who didn’t deserve me.
I hope that life has been unkind to you these past few years. I pray karma is eating you up.
Maybe one day I’ll be so at peace that I can wish you a life filled with healing + happiness.
For now, I wish you one filled with misery.