I’m starting a new series called Letters From A Broken Heart. Each part in this series will be a letter to an ex-lover who broke my heart. These are my raw and honest feelings. It’s a little terrifying opening myself up and being this vulnerable, but it’s a cathartic and healing experience. I hope sharing these letters will be healing for my readers as well.
This is the final letter in this series.
This is K.B.s story.
Writing this letter to you will probably be more difficult than any of the other letters I’ve written in this series because I currently have feelings for you. There is so much I want to say to you even after expressing my feelings multiple times.
Meeting you in 2014 taught me so much about myself, life, and love. In you, I found both a best friend and a lover… something I’ll admit I wasn’t ready for or emotionally mature enough to handle. I was 16 when we met and it goes without saying that I still had a lot of growing to do. I will never forget our first conversation or how quickly we connected. The chemistry was there from day one. At some point during our relationship, I felt like you saved my life. My home life was a disaster; my entire family turned against me when I opened up about being sexually abused and you came in and showered me with so much love.
But I went and fucked in all up. Hurting you back then + not being honest was one of my biggest regrets for a long time. It was never that I didn’t love you because I did. So much. I just still had feelings invested in someone who was so bad for me and I wasn’t ready to completely let go. I’ve wished countless times over the years that I could go back in time and get a redo. But in forgiving myself for my mistakes, I realized that I was still a young teen when we met. And not that that’s any excuse to go around hurting people but I bring it up hoping that you’ll see things from that perspective.
I hate that we reconnected again only for things to turn bad. I meant everything I said to you. All the feelings that I expressed, I meant it.
You are my greatest love. Someone I continue to find over and over again no matter how much time passes or how life tries to separate us. somehow, we always find our way back to one another, and to me, it feels like maybe it’s because it’s meant to be.
These past few weeks, I’ve been replaying everything in my head and wondering where things went wrong. One minute, you were loving + sweet, and the next, you were treating me like I’m disposable.
You really hurt me and it hurts even more feeling like you don’t care. Feeling like I mean nothing to you and like everything you said to me a few months ago was all a lie. When we got back in touch you did tell me you were emotionally numb so I guess I should’ve taken that for what it was.
I was willing to wait for you. I was willing to wait for you to be ready for a relationship and to be the man I know I deserve. I honestly feel so stupid. I poured my heart out to you and for what? Just to be discarded like I’m trash. When I told you how your actions were making me feel, you tried to deflect and manipulate me to make me feel like I was wrong for how I was reacting to something you were doing. Are you that numb and closed off that you can’t see how fucked up that is?
You broke my heart. I let you come back into my life and disturb my peace. I wish I could say that I’m over you but the truth is, I still love you. I still care for you deeply, and even in my brokenness, my feelings for you remain the same.
There’s a part of me that wants to let you go for good but there’s an even bigger part of me that’s still holding on to you in hopes that you’ll realize your mistake and come back to me.
My love for you is unconditional which means it has no limitations. There is nothing you can do or say that will change how I feel about you. That being said, I won’t sit around and wait forever, I can’t do that to myself because it wouldn’t be fair. I deserve someone who is emotionally available. I deserve someone who knows how to communicate. I deserve someone who can meet my wants + needs. I deserve someone who is ready + open to love.
I want so badly for that person to be you. I still feel like I’m willing to wait for you. There is no part of me that wants anyone else. You have my heart, even in its many pieces. This honestly feels more like a love letter than me discussing how you broke my heart. I’m not sure if you’ll ever read this or if I’ll send it to you.
I still find myself praying for you almost daily. I talk to God about you often. I pray for your mental + physical health. I pray for your happiness + healing. I pray that you’re protected + guided. I ask God to show you that there’s so much more out there than the life you’re currently living. Your purpose is far greater than your current lifestyle.
I want you to find happiness by yourself and also being in relationship with someone, even if that someone isn’t me. I want you to heal from the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical turmoil you experience daily.
I hope that just like every other time, we find our way back to one another again. I hope this isn’t the end of our story but even if it is, I know that eventually, I’ll be ok. My broken heart will mend. I’ll move on one day but one thing I’m sure of is that my love for you will never fade.
I love you, always, all ways.
Forever Your First Love
To read the other letters in this series, click here.