After years of reflection, you think I would have figured this out by now. Recently, I realized, that I am very in control of everything in my life. I then recognized that the reason of this is my fear of going back to that teenager and young adult who was so out of control in the background.
My illness – pre, during and post diagnosis – was absolutely and utterly terrifying, and I never, ever want to go back there.
I know that I am in a very different place then I was when I was that lost kid – she was scared, mad and tired, and she spiralled and lost all control of reality and her life.
I don’t think I can explain in words how petrified I am of relapsing. This feeling is deep in my soul, and I don’t think it will ever fully diminish.
I am beginning to let go of the idea that I may relapse.
I am healthy, happy and tough, and I know I can handle whatever life throws at me now. I am a different person with a different mind then that young person.
I also recognize, you can’t control everything in life. I think if we do, we disservice ourselves and don’t really live our lives like we should.
I will do my best to let go, but I am human, and flawed. I flow into and out of many different moods and feelings and emotions, as we all do.
I will try my best to let go of that fear, and I hope one day that young person will be left where she should be, in the past.