Hey folks, long time no see. I hope you all are doing well. It’s been months since I wrote anything regarding my life ordeals or mental health. I have been in “fight or flight” mode for a long time and have been numb as too much has happened lately. Some of it will be shared in another blog, but today I want to vent, or rather rant, about my life. And, of course, one major update: my long-lost friend, depression, is back. Yup, I have a slight bump in my healing journey. I guess depression was missing me, or I was denying that I was losing my sh*t. But thankfully, my therapist got me and is ready to knock this demon out again.
I don’t know how I keep going despite life’s challenges. The challenge would be a small word rather than shitstorms; I have to face one after the other. I tell my inner demons that I need a pause; I need to bloody breathe and say to my demons, “Hold on, let me live and fight again, but at least give me some leverage.” Come on, that’s the least I expect. A week ago, my therapist told me I was going into a depressive phase. My reaction was not again; I was done fighting. I am done being strong. She said, and I quote, “I know it’s been a lot for you, but tell me one thing: when the fever comes, you take medicine and recover.” It’s the same with depression. “ That hit me deep down. That’s true; I knew that after fighting clinical depression earlier and getting trauma from one of my life events, something would trigger inside me because the mind is tricky. You never know what or how it can get hampered. But this time, my take on “the depressive phase” was quite different because, this time, my approach was correct. I listened to my body when it was screaming that I needed to take therapy; something wasn’t right. Maybe I know this because I have been a survivor, but one thing is for sure: my entire mental health journey has taught me how and when to listen to my body. Thanks to my therapist and me for being aware of mental health. I still believe it’s a long road to creating awareness about mental health, but people are speaking up, and I am glad I can advocate about it freely in a place where it’s still “shhh, don’t talk about it.”
2023 has been a roller coaster of my healing journey; from being numb to completely broken, I have dealt with it all and still do. Today someone just told me my writing is being missed, and I was missing writing too. Writing about my journey is not just about creating awareness about mental health; it is more therapeutic to me to write about what I have been through and share it with my audience because I know what it’s like to resonate with a situation where you have been and feel less lonely. With my recent traumatic experience, I realized that to want to change your life, you have to stop being in denial about your state of affairs. You are going to have to get honest with yourself. You must decide that you love yourself too much to stop settling for less than what you deserve. I know it’s easier said than done, but trust me, I am learning this the hard way, but it’s a perfect self-realization.
I have realized that magic happens when you don’t give up, even though you want to. Please don’t quit because sometimes our strength comes to us in phases. as it’s needed, and sometimes it’s earned. Currently, my old friend, depression, is killing me the most because that demon very well knows how to play with me, but guess what? Even I know how to turn the tables around. I am shit scared, to be honest. I am also very, very broken and losing my shit every day because I don’t want this depressive phase to overpower me because I have been in that black hole, and I don’t want to again, but what is keeping me alive is a little hope that girl, one more push, one more time, you got this. Maybe yes or no, but I know I am not giving up anytime soon. I might have days where I don’t feel like getting out of bed, but I will make sure that if I don’t on that day, I must do it the next day because I won’t let the demon overpower me. There is a lot to be shared with you all, but I need more time to share it with you because it’s a bit of a trigger for me, so bear with my blogs for some time. Let this girl face her fear again — depression — because I know I am not alone.
I’m ending this blog with one of my favourite lines I recently heard in a movie, and it’s stuck in my head:
“I must not fear.” Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is a little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn my inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. “Only I will remain.”
-Frank Herbert, Dune
I’m currently fighting this depressive phase; see you next time sometime soon. Hugs and strength your way because you matter.