Alright, I know I’ve been quite absent. I have so much going on I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I decided now was the time to write this post, when initially I was going to write it in January 2019. Now is the time because I feel like I have so much I need to get off my chest and right now feels like a good time to show how a year can really change a person.
I’ve already said how I was a glass half empty kind of gal. This slightly changed, however, there was a point where I was simply looking at the positives in life and sure enough, my glass was half full. I say this because, since September 2017 just about every bad thing I could imagine happened. This has been one hell of a year. I’ve never experienced death of a loved one until this year. I lost my wonderful pup to liver disease, then I lost my hilarious, caring cousin to an accident. To add to the misery, I recently lost my last remaining grandparent– my incredible, funny and loving grandmother, to an unexpected, but short, bout of cancer.
This year alone, I was tasked to learn how to cope with something I’m not familiar with. Death was the first one. Leaving my job was another. A schizoaffective diagnosis being the focal point of my year. I was thrown to the wolves this year.
Every single time something bad would happen, I would say “can it get any worse than this?” I wish these words never crossed my lips. Once I said those few words, something else bad would happen. And once again, I would ask if it could any worse. What I quickly learnt back in October was that things seemed to be in a steady decline. Christmas time came and this Is a time where families get together and everything is so cheery. My family, and my fiancees family, were no exception to this. I had family dinners and activities planned from December 23rd to the 27th. Each one of those days I was utterly paralyzed by the terror in my mind. I remained in my room throughout basically the entire holiday season. I was so withdrawn because, like before, bad things kept happening.
Bad Things Kept Happening
The months that followed only got harder and I lost sight of the good things that would happen. I can currently count on one hand the good things that have happened to me this year. This whole year I was plagued by tragedy, heartache, and mental distress. I was in and out of psychiatrists offices not knowing what was wrong with me, all while trying to find a way to go back to work. This was never achieved, I had to leave my fairly decent paying job because of my mental state. I was diagnosed and re-diagnosed more times than I can count. I left my job shortly after my cousin passed away. After leaving my job, I realized I couldn’t sit at home and do nothing so I got accepted back to school to do something I loved– writing. When I was accepted, I thought finally! Something good happened!
Still Wasn’t Happy
Although getting into the program of my dreams was something to be incredibly happy about, I still felt down and that the bad outweighs the good. I have my own little rain cloud above my head. It follows me everywhere, from the bad days to the good. And I won’t lie, I let it take my good days away. I was letting the bad outweigh the good again and it had such a huge impact on me. Things just kept getting worse. I was becoming more and more withdrawn from family and friends almost to the point I wanted to stay in my room and just, never leave. I spent the summer avoiding school, withdrawn and miserable which brought me here. A year later.
A Year Later
I am still here a year later. I just lost my grandmother and I once again said out loud “can this get any worse?” We know what that means. If I keep letting the bad things take over my life I wont make it much longer. It takes over your mind and controls you. I sat in my fiancees car yesterday bawling. I was telling him all the bad things that’s happened and he told me one thing that has resonated with me since yesterday. He said everyone goes through bad things in life but it’s not something that you can dwell on. He told me that just being here, being alive, was one of the best things that happened this year.
I fought through all of the bad things and I can’t stop now. Things will begin to look up again one day and if that means I still have more bad things to go through, then I’ll be damned if I don’t fight through them as well. I have to work on destroying my little rain cloud. This is going to take a lot of effort, but what good am I to those around me, and even myself if I’m just focusing on the bad things? Of course the things I have gone through are awful but I have to just keep on keeping on and taking any ounce of knowledge I can from these situations.
There WEre Good Things
Sitting back feelingI upset and just feeling emotionally drained, I realized, yes, there were good things that happened this year. I got accepted into school, I got my dog Boo who doesn’t leave my side and I got a proper diagnosis. Looking back, I know it doesn’t seem like much, but it’s something. Sometimes, you just need that one thing to push you to power through. I know I’ve experienced tragedy and hardships this year, but it did have something that could help me along the way– growth. I have grown so much this year because of not only the good things, but all of the bad things that have happened to me. A lot of what I went through this year has been devastating, but it was all out of my control. All I can do is go up and grow from these experiences, albeit bad experiences.
A Year Can Change a Person
A year can change person. You may have awful things happen, or wonderful things but one thing you can definitely say happened, is the growth of your being. Bad things may have ran your year, but you can’t let that rain cloud take over your life. The pressure of it can really do some damage. I have a lot of damage from mine, but I think it’s time to try and see those clear skies once again. It may be one of the hardest things I could ever achieve, but it’s worth trying. One full year has changed me so much as a person. Before, I was terrified of seeking help and I didn’t know how to confront my own mind. I was in silence a year ago.
Today, I may not be mentally stable, I may not be where I want to be but I know one day I will get there. It takes time and I will forever long for mental stability.Maintaining mental stability is something I’ve been trying to reach for such a long time. The best I can do is to keep fighting for it because If I don’t, the bad things will keep happening and who knows what could happen? Keep fighting for YOU. It’s worth it and so are you. The sun will always be on the horizon, when you’re ready.
Thank you so much for reading and keep riding the wave!