Rock Bottom

I haven’t been doing so good over the last few weeks and there is a quote from the lovely J.K. Rowling that has resonated with me quite a bit. She once said “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life.”  This put the idea that I may have hit rock bottom a little easier to deal with.Her message really put things into perspective for me. It made me realize that no matter how hard you are free falling and hit that rock bottom, you’re able to get up, and stand on that rock.

Did I Hit Rock Bottom?

I’ve felt as if I was free falling the past few weeks. All I’ve wanted was to stay in bed and ignore the world around me. I started taking prescription medication when I didn’t need it and I knew there was a problem. I’ve abused them in the past and it made it very apparent that this was an indicator that I was not doing so great. I was falling.  Just falling watching all the good things pass me by because I chose to let it go and start to fall made me upset but I didn’t do anything about it. .I mean, I could have stopped it but I didn’t even have the energy to  try. I let myself fall for weeks. It wasn’t until I broke down in my fiancees car screaming about how I can’t do this anymore. I thought about how I can’t live with the hallucinations, the guilt I feel when I have certain delusions, I just couldn’t take it any longer.

My fiancee stopped my screaming and crying and rambling about my disorder by saying just a few words. He said I have always given everything my all. I am a strong person for not letting this disorder dictate my life so why should I let it start now? It feels like what I let consume my brain, will consume my life so why should I let it take over now? He told me I could do this, and after hitting that heavy rock and standing up I realized I can do this. I can rebuild my life.

Hit The Ground Running

It’s time to hit the ground running. Im on the dreaded rock that is called rock bottom. I never wanted to get there but I’m here and it’s time for change. No one is going to make you get off that rock but yourself. You have to take the initiative to hop down and make things better for yourself. I know how hitting rock bottom really sucks, and it’s not something people want to hit, but it’s something a lot of people do. It can always go one of two ways, you can build your self back up, or you can stay and dwell on the sadness and live with what hitting rock bottom drains out of you. Obviously working towards your emotional rebuild is the better option but sometimes people think they can’t do the rebuild. I was that person.

I spent countless nights just crying, breaking the routines that keep my mind in check, and being simply dreary. My heart ached and I felt like such a failure. I thought this life is so cruel and how I don’t know how people manage to live a normal life with this disorder. This went on for a while until I realized it was time for me to get off my ass and do something about it. It was the hardest thing to do yet, but I knew it had to be done. I wasn’t dwelling on the negativity of that rock any longer. Slowly but surely, I’m rebuilding my life and basing this rock as my foundation, just as J.K.. Rowling said. You can’t stay in a toxic situation forever, you’ll never get better that way.

Let’s Change The Past Of My Troubled Ways

Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy. My brain will tell me lies, and sometimes it will try and steer me in the wrong direction. It keeps me wandering through this dark night until I find the bright light I’ve been looking for. I’m not letting this devil inside take over because I AM stronger than him and I know it. I used to be afraid of all that this disorder entails, but know I know how to handle it better. It’s something that comes with time. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to see the better side of this illness. In a way, I’m thankful it happened to me. I saw a side of me I never want to see again. I never want to get back to the depressive, scared, frustrated state I was for those few weeks. All you can do from this point on ward, is to keep rebuilding, keep trying and keep fighting. Never let your demons take over, they don’t deserve your life. They don’t deserve to consume your mind and body. You deserve to live the best life possible and sometimes you have to fight for it, but its worth the fight.

Thanks for reading, and keep riding the wave!

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