I’ve been away awhile due to life issues, medication changes and depressive states (hence the lack of posting) BUT I’m starting to come around which feels great haha. I’m going to start off saying this post is going to be a little more serious than what I’m used to (and I’m not a serious person, so buckle up!) But I feel its something I have to get off my chest. The human mind is so complex, and everyone has their own uniqueness.
My Brain Doesn’t Work Like Everyone Elses’ Brain
I grew up thinking by the time I was 22 I would be well into university doing something I was in love with, which coincidentally was medicine. I’ve always loved every aspect of it. The cardiovascular system was one of my biggest interests then it jumped to the musculoskeletal system because I loved to read about the interactions amongst our bones, muscles and tendons. Then, my biggest interest, ironically enough, shifted to the brain and psychology. I remember being in sixth grade and reading one of my older sisters old psychology books and I absolutely adored it. When I noticed I was becoming less and less like myself, I began to worry that I wouldn’t be able to pursue my interest academically.
In a way, I wasn’t wrong. My anxiety was rising, intrusive thoughts flooded my innocent young brain and I tried to deal with it as long as I could. I switched my career path so that I would still be working in a hospital, just not in the fields I had dreamed of. This was hard, but it was what I had to do, and I hated it.
I slowly learned as time went on, my brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s. I started having my schizoaffective symptomss and I concluded I was in for a tough fight. What was worse, I didn’t know anyone else who was going through similar circumstances.
This Is One Of The Hardest Things I’ve Ever Faced
I’ve tried to appear as “normal” as I can. It’s tough being in public with friends or even just being around family and having a hallucination. It kind of sucks to see people around me give me that confused, judgy look of “what’s wrong with her?” Sometimes I feel immensely embarrassed especially considering this is all new to me. What I’ve learned however, is to really not give a damn. I can’t let the reactions of others upset me. Like I said, I can’t help what happens. I take my medication, I go to counselling, and do every thing possible to try and live a normal life. Sometimes, despite my best efforts, the hallucinations and delusions still take over.
Living with this is incredibly frustrating. I find the delusions the hardest part. I know intellectually that there are no bodies hidden among my family home of 22 years, but my brain fights with me and convinces me otherwise. Not being able to step foot in one of the rooms in my house out of fear there are going to be the shadowy people I see being in there makes me so frustrated and upset. I’m smart enough to know the difference but I can’t convince my brain that what is happening IS NOT TRUE. I think this is the most frustrating thing. Those who know me know I’ve always been imaginative so there are people who believe that this is my imagination. I can definitely reassure that it is not.
The Scary PArt Of A Fragile Mind
The thing that resonates the most in the back of my mind is how my lovely boyfriend and family see me. I’m terrified of being labeled as the “crazy one”. I don’t let myself stew on that idea long because it really does upset me. I know that sometimes when the hallucinations and delusions happen, that its going to be weird for them, theres no denying that. They don’t know what goes on in my mind. Its so complex and insanely difficult to explain. I try my hardest just so that I don’t have those weird looks or the judgement. With all that being said, I’m fighting my damn hardest to beat this or at least get better, but what’s really scary is, what if I don’t get any better?
I know things are more than likely going to get worse. I know that this condition has the potential to progress. Seeing the fear in my fiancees eyes when I’m hallucinating or having a delusion (that I don’t know is a delusion at the time) rips my heart out of chest. Hearing him say he’s scared for my future, and whats to come always pulls those tears to my eyes. It’s terrifying not knowing what the future of a mental illness is going to be like. But no-one knows what the future may hold. The best I can do is hope and pray that my hard work will pay off. I work so hard on being stable and taking necessary precautions to try and live a normal life but it can be so tiresome.
I am Not Broken
I’ve decided that living like this means I have a unique mind. Not a broken mind. My mind is just a little more complex than others. It’s so hard living like this, but achieving small victories and seeing any form of progress makes fighting this so much more worth it. Going back to school for something that I never thought I ever would go to school for makes it worth it. And I want to prove that I WILL NOT let this take over. Everyone fights a battle of some sorts. Everyone’s brain is different and each and every one of us have a unique mind. It’s just a matter of showing how we are all different.
My complex, unique mind may fight me daily, but I’m ready to fight back.
Keep riding the wave, everyone.