The last Week In My Life post seemed to go down well and I have fun writing them so I might do them on a semi-regular basis, if I’ve got a week with some interesting stuff in it. I’ve been super busy recently and will be for a while so there may be a handful of weeks worth writing about; I guess we’ll see. This week was crammed full of interesting experiences, exciting and inspiring, but it was also really hard between the heat and my ongoing, searing back pain, plus the relentless mess that is my mental health. It seemed like a week that would be both interesting to write about and potentially read about.
The week in this post started on Monday 19th June 2023 and ended on Sunday 25th June 2023.
MONDAY
I got up early-ish, had a shower, and settled at my desk in the living room. I worked through my daily habits, like my daily Duolingo Dutch lessons (trying to revive my connection with my honorary Dutch heritage), and got to work on some blog writing and research. It was a quiet morning, which was good given how chaotically busy I’ve been and still am.
Early afternoon, I had a physiotherapy appointment to hopefully figure out what was going on with my back and how we might help it heal, help me manage the pain. But we got there and it wasn’t in their schedule: there’d been some administrative confusion but she had some time the next day and fortunately, the practice wasn’t far from my house so it wasn’t a huge amount of time wasted. We were back home pretty quickly and I could get back to work.
I wrote more of the blog post I’d been working on, did some diary catch up, and sent some emails that I’d been procrastinating. Emails are actually one of the ‘mundane’ things that I really struggle to do, I think because I had a deeply traumatic experience involving an email when I was a teenager that I’m still trying to get over. But still, every time I have to open what feels like a high stakes email, the level of anxiety I experience is overwhelming… and exhausting. I’m still working on it but I’ve trying different things since I was in my twenties, when I realised what a problem it was. I’m thinking about hypnotherapy…
I also had a couple of cool things to do. I worked through a series of interview questions for Indiefferential Magazine and sent them off (I think the issue is out at this point) and I revived my cat instagram, aprideofcats. I get so much joy out of posting pictures of my cats but I’m sure people would get bored of constant cat pictures, plus my main instagram account is basically my work account (that does sometimes involve pictures of my cats because sharing my life as a singersongwriter, neurodivergence and mental health activist, etc does mean sharing from all parts of my life and my home life is pretty full of cats, hence the ‘pride’ in the title).
They’re just so cute! So it’s going to be good fun to get to post about them more often again, hopefully making social media a happier space for myself after some difficult times on various platforms.
In the evening, I had a hydrotherapy session booked but my back pain was still so bad that the thought of going through the exercises and then having to shower afterwards made me feel nauseous. My back shouldn’t still have been hurting – the painkillers should’ve done the job according to the doctor – but I was still in so much pain even when taking the medication. Moving around without it was unbearable. So I needed to go back to the practice and ask what to do: the doctor had told me to give the drugs a couple of weeks and then come back if it wasn’t improving and it wasn’t. So, time for another trip to the GP.
So I put on a movie, did some more writing, had a scroll through social media, and went to bed at around eleven, although I didn’t get to sleep for a couple of hours.
TUESDAY
I woke up just before nine but lay in bed for a while, working on my habits, scrolling through social media, and replying to some messages that I hadn’t had the energy to reply to the night before. Then I had a shower and set myself up in the living room. spending several hours writing more blog stuff. It was set to be a chilled but productive morning but then the pain in my back slowly started to build. By the time a couple of hours had passed – just as it was time for my physiotherapy appointment – the pain was so bad that I couldn’t actually move. The slightest movement sent pain roaring through my back and what was even worse – and quite scary – was that I also had pain creeping down my leg until I couldn’t move that either. It was awful; it might be the worst pain I’ve ever been in, worse than the cracked rib, worse than when we’ve had to call ambulances because of migraines. I don’t know what I did – and neither does anyone else, it seems – but clearly I seriously fucked up something in the muscles in my back.
Because the physiotherapist was so close, she was nice enough to run down and come and talk to me where I was stretched out on the sofa. She was lovely and suggested physiotherapy when I’ve recovered from the pain, which she’d be happy to guide me through, as well as recommending a TENS machine – a little gadget with wires and electrodes that passes electric pulses through your muscles to relieve pain – to help with the pain while I recovered. I’d never heard of them but her explanation was enough to convince me and when she left, I ordered a highly recommended one straight away.
Pausing to look at social media, I saw that Candi Carpenter – whose EP I’ve been (and still am) completely obsessed with – was playing a show in London, a rare occurrence since they live in Nashville. I missed their show last time, I think because I was still too anxious around COVID so I wasn’t missing this one. I booked tickets, for both me and my Mum, who is also a big fan. It was gonna be a blast; I couldn’t wait. (Spoiler alert: it was fucking fantastic.)
The pain eventually receded and I spent a couple of hours working on blog posts before going to therapy. My therapist and I had both created lists of things that we feel need to be discussed and worked through and we compared them, merged them; it wasn’t fun. In fact, it was pretty miserable and stressful. I know therapy isn’t supposed to be sunshine and rainbows but god, sometimes it feels like peeling layer after layer of skin off until there’s nothing left. Sometimes it feels unbearable. But I got through it and there have been harder ones since.
I walked out and when I checked my phone, I saw that Taylor Swift had released all of the international dates of the ERAS Tour (I swear, she always announces or releases stuff when I’m therapy – it’s weird). That is super exciting news because I want to go so, so badly but it was also really stressful, thinking about what an absolute disaster the ticket sales in the US had been. I’m not keen to go through an experience like that; it’s meltdown territory for sure.
I flung myself into the car and started the registration process on my phone as we rushed home. I set up multiple screens at my desk to register properly and register on behalf of a couple of family members; being ‘the Taylor Swift girl’ does result in this kind of scenario occasionally, not that I really mind. It wasn’t stress-free process, especially after the mess that was the US ticket sales. And the venue accessibility doesn’t seem to make it any easier; in fact, it’s probably harder because there are fewer accessible seats. So that was stressful but I did have a handful of chaotic and funny conversations with friends who were also trying to register. We’d all love to go together but I’m not sure we’re organised enough for that; I guess we’ll see when the tickets actually go on sale. It would be so, so fun though.
I spent the rest of the evening having a somewhat calmer catch up with some friends. I was too tired to do much more than that. I did do some (very) early Christmas shopping, something that’s consistent with my previous experiences with Phenelzine: for some reason, my brain just gets hyper-focussed on the idea and the urge to be prepared takes over and suddenly I’ve bought presents for half of my family (December and January are always a lot because, as well as Christmas, most of the family have birthdays in those two months – it can get very expensive so starting this early isn’t necessarily a terrible idea even if it looks weird on the surface).
I also continued making bead bracelets, inspired by the ERAS Tour and my current ADHD hyperfixation; it’s really soothing and it’s fun to make them for people, with colours and words that are relevant to them.
I went to bed too late and then couldn’t sleep; I was still awake at three, which wasn’t fun.
WEDNESDAY
I woke up around nine to a very warm day. I was struggling very quickly (hot weather makes the symptoms of my hEDS and POTS even worse, especially if I get dehydrated), as were the cats…
This is Tiger in her classic ‘IT’S TOO HOT’ position. I felt for her but I can’t help but laugh too because she just looks so funny. I felt even more for our two fluffy cats (who were nowhere to be found – most likely in a cool spot somewhere).
I worked through my daily habits and then got ready for the day, plus packing for the next day since I’d be staying over in London. Then Mum and I got on a train and headed into London and over to South Kensington to experience Dopamine Land. I’ve heard several people say that it was a bit lame but I absolutely loved it. Maybe it’s the ADHD and the craving of dopamine but I had such a great time, playing in all of the different rooms with different lights and colours and environments; it all just made my brain so happy, like it was singing to the same frequency as everything happening in the rooms. It was just a really joyful (and actually quite inspiring) experience.
I kept my Instagram post quite brief but I thought I’d include some more pictures and thoughts here because it was just so fun and made my brain so happy; I wanted to share my favourites and why I loved them so much, although I am tempted to make a longer post about the whole experience. I guess, we’ll see.
The first room was similar to Yayoi Kusama’s Infinity Rooms, which I’ve always loved so I had a blast in there and wished I could’ve stayed longer (that was one of the few that had a time limit)…
I’ve been thinking about it a lot – apart from it being colour and pretty and cool to watch – and I’m not sure I know how to explain why I love them, both Kusama’s Infinity Rooms and this room; there’s just something about them that presses all of the right buttons in my brain and I just feel so joyful in that environment. I could happily have a sensory room in my house like that for when I’m struggling, not that I could probably ever afford it.
Another of my favourites was called Lucid Dreams with a looping video of all these different visual effects with different colours, different sounds, and what look like different textures. It was beautiful and soothing and mesmeric and I didn’t just want to touch it, I wanted to live inside of it. I’d love to know who designed it and who created it; it was just so beautiful and I could’ve sat there, watching it over and over again for hours.
And my other favourite was called Fire Lantern and it was probably the most soothing of the whole experience. It was almost completely dark with all of these lanterns hanging from the ceiling and big beanbags strewn around on the floor. I could’ve wiled away hours and hours, lying on one of the beanbags, looking up at the lanterns in the quiet, just the murmur of other people’s voices in the background. Again, it was another space that would be welcome in my house for when I get stressed and overwhelmed and need to disappear from the world.
The description for that room read: “Give a moment to appreciate those around us, and those who are not, as you bask under our canopy of glimmering light. Dopamine plays a part in encoding and consolidating memories and fire lanterns hold an important role in many culture’s social events and festivities, lighting the way for souls of the ancestors. Contemplate the beauty of these mesmeric lanterns and remember fondly those with whom you have parted ways.” I thought that was really gorgeous and a nice counterpoint to the more..