I’ve been trying to write this post for a couple of weeks now but I’ve been finding it difficult to accurately describe my feelings about the whole experience. To cut a long story short, I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (on top of the Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) but, given my traumatic history with doctors and the medical system, it’s left me feeling shaken up and vulnerable…

Several weeks ago, I went to the hospital for an appointment with the Rheumatology Department. It was my annual follow up, post my diagnosis and then confirmation of Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, despite it being a different hospital, a different doctor, and having had no support for it since the diagnosis. I was, let’s say, perplexed by the purpose of the appointment, given the lack of contact with them but apparently the appointment was important to insure that I wasn’t discharged from the system; I’m not entirely sure how being in the system is helpful (given the lack of contact and support) but I wearily (and warily – I’ve had so many traumatic experiences at the hands of medical professional that just walking through the door can trigger a panic attack or a meltdown) agreed to go.

I’m not sure the doctor knew exactly what the purpose of the appointment was either because he meandered through a series of questions without an apparent destination. But when he asked about pain and I described the ebb and flow of the chronic pain I live with day-to-day, he started talking about Fibromyalgia, whether I’d heard of it, and whether I’d ever been assessed for it. I told him that I had been and wasn’t found to have it, a snarky comment – “I thought doctors didn’t believe in Fibromyalgia” – slipping out. Over the last decade or so, my apprehension (read: trauma response and resulting severe anxiety) in medical situations tends to manifest either as becoming non-verbal or triggers a snarky, provocative attitude (depending, I think, on whether I’m more upset or angry – what determines that, I’m not really sure). That day, apparently, the snark was winning out. I don’t particularly like this about myself but the emotions are always so overwhelming that I feel about as in control of it as I do the non-verbal periods – as in, not at all. My therapist and I are talking about it but sixteen years of traumatic experiences aren’t going to be solved in a handful of sessions. Fortunately the doctor didn’t seem offended.

He asked me to fill out a couple of questionnaires and I scored ridiculously high on both of them, indicating Fibromyalgia. He asked me a few more questions and then had me lie on the gurney, pressing on the Fibromyalgia Tender Points and rotating various joints. To his credit, he told me exactly what he was going to do before he did it – with the explicit option to say no – and he was as careful and gentle as was probably possible while still learning was he needed to. Usually an appointment that involves a medical professional touching me ends in emotional disaster (panic attacks, meltdowns, etc) and while there’s no world in which I could describe myself as relaxed during the exam, it didn’t end in tears, literally or figuratively. He also carefully examined my hands, given how much pain I have in them. He couldn’t find anything specific but acknowledged that that didn’t mean there wasn’t a problem and said he’d arrange an ultrasound to be sure. That surprised me; in my experience, most doctors stop at not finding a problem. I don’t think I’ve ever had a doctor run tests ‘to be sure.’

He diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia (my thoughts on that in a moment) and ran through the (limited) available options. He listed various medications to manage the pain, none of which I can take due to previous bad reactions or because they’re contraindicated with my anti-depressants; he said he’d look into some funding for more hydrotherapy since the NHS only gives you maximum two, although I’d be very surprised if he managed that; and he said he’d refer me to an inpatient centre that specifically takes people with hEDS (but just the thought of the inpatient format makes me very anxious, unsurprising as an autistic person who finds change difficult to say the least). So I don’t feel particularly convinced by any of that but I have to give him credit for trying; I don’t usually get even that.

So, according to at least five different doctors, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Pain, Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and now Fibromyalgia. These conditions can and do exist together but I remain unconvinced that I have all of these conditions when so many of the same symptoms occur in all or multiple conditions, such as pain (in both joints and muscle), muscle stiffness and/or weakness, severe fatigue, difficulty sleeping, difficulty with concentration and memory, headaches, heart rate irregularities, dizziness, and low mood. I feel reasonably sure about the hEDS – given the joint hypermobility and instability, as well as the autonomic dysfunction, the postural tachycardia (and the connection with neurodiversity makes for an even stronger case) – and I definitely struggle with something or some things that involve severe pain and severe fatigue, but I don’t know how to be sure which diagnosis or diagnoses those fall under. In an ideal world, I’d be able to trust these doctors and the diagnoses they bestow upon me, even if the number of them and the overlap of symptoms feels unlikely (to my admittedly untrained eye). But my experience and the trauma I live with as a result of how medical professionals have treated me, reinforced by the all but unanimous lack of support, has left me unable to trust them and trust them with something as precious and fragile as my health, physical and mental. So I find it very, very hard to take any of them at their word and then to believe that they’ll do what they say they’ll do; I’ve long stopped having expectations.

Even though I remain skeptical about the Fibromyalgia diagnosis and the options I’ve been presented with, I was reassured a little when the doctor asked if I’d mind having a series of blood tests done (including ones for thyroid function, liver function, and cortisol) and more so when he was happy to include a couple more – ones relating to my ADHD – that I’d been waiting to ask my GP about; I was more than a little taken aback that he was listening and willing to help, even though it wasn’t a part of his job. I was surprised again when he rang to check whether there were any problems because he was still waiting on the results (I’d had to postpone the tests when I was felled by an ear infection); that’s a diligence I’ve seen so rarely that I could probably count the occasions on one hand. So I am grateful for that, even though I find it unsettling, even though the whole thing was very stressful.

A new diagnosis (and yet more time in medical establishments with medical professionals) isn’t a road I wanted to go down and the confusion and internal conflict over how Fibromyalgia fits into the picture (especially since I’ve been told in the past that I don’t have it, making the whole thing even more confusing) have been really draining; my anxiety has been running high, especially around medical stuff (which made going to the doctor for the aforementioned ear infection a difficult and distressing experience). I’ve been talking to my therapist a lot about these experiences (more on this in a separate post, I think) but, given how long this traumatic cycle has been going on, it’s not something that I can simply deep breathe my way through. No, it’s going to take rather more than that, I think.