Somehow, getting a puppy has made my life both more and less busy. I’m constantly on the move – following her around, chasing her, playing with her – but my life is quieter – she’s so young and still getting settled so I don’t want to leave her – so I may have found a somewhat unusual way of doing less, out in the world at least. Having her around means that my day-to-day life ricochets from full on and exhausting to quiet and chilled out. It’s been a bit of an adjustment but I think it has given me a chance to recoup a bit. A bit. I’m still trying to get a lot done – I don’t think my relationship with productivity is particularly healthy – but Izzy comes first, especially while she’s so young, so this period of time with all of this change has been more than a little disconcerting. Izzy is, of course, worth it; it’s just taking me a while to adjust.

The week in this post started on Thursday 14th September 2023 and ended on Wednesday 20th September 2023.

THURSDAY

Since the arrival of Izzy, I’ve been brutally forced to become a morning person, having previously slept in until after nine (usually due to staying up far too late – Revenge Bedtime Procrastination is my nemesis). But Izzy is an early bird and takes great pleasure in waking me up at six thirty and trust me, if you’ve never had a young puppy, you need to get up and sort them out; she’s still learning to use the puppy pad and a few extra minutes with your eyes closed is not worth the potential clean up.

So I dragged myself up, took her downstairs, and gave her breakfast. I managed to inhale some fruit salad (my current hyperfixation food – something I’ve never experienced before) while she ate and then put down the cat food, removing myself and Izzy so that they could eat in peace: Izzy has a bad habit of bouncing up to them with great but apparently terrifying enthusiasm, which has them running for the cat flap; she’s desperate to play with them but I think they interpret that playful behaviour as scary and unpredictable so the bonding is going pretty slowly (one of the cats, our matriarch, does put her firmly in her place though – one down, four to go). Upstairs, I played with Izzy for a bit, letting her burn off some energy and then did my Duolingo practice and physiotherapy exercises.

Mum had taken Lucy to the vet for a check up post a small surgery she had a few weeks ago and she came back with a clean bill of health. We released her and then raced out of the door, got in the car, and headed for the hospital for my hydrotherapy appointment. The drive gave me the chance to just sit and reply to the various messages that needed responses; I feel like my brain has been so full recently that it’s been hard to focus on smaller tasks, like messages and emails. Maybe it’s an ADHD or Autism thing; given how close I’ve felt to burnout over the last few months, it wouldn’t surprise me.

I was a little late for the appointment because we couldn’t find anywhere to park, disabled space or not, until the last possible second and then, when we got in, we discovered that the towel was still at home, hanging on the radiator after swimming the night before. Fortunately, they were prepared for that eventuality. But apart from those few mishaps, it was a really good session. The exercises I got about eighteen months ago – between finding the right pool to work in and waiting for the follow up appointment, it’s taken this long to get to this point – have become easy so the hydrotherapist suggested a few ways to increase the resistance. Between those and the physiotherapy exercises, I’m working pretty much my whole body so we added a series of core exercises, given that that area of the body is a real weakness for people with Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome; it made sense to be putting extra work into those muscles. We ran through each of them in turn and the hydrotherapist (the same one I’d worked with last time) said how impressed she was at how hard I’d clearly been working, how committed I’ve been (apparently it’s not uncommon for people to just do the exercises a few times and then, unsurprisingly, not progress). That meant a lot to me because I have been working really hard over the last year, even when I didn’t want to. I obviously didn’t do it for the praise but it was really nice to have the work recognised and acknowledged by someone who knows what they’re talking about. With the new exercises under my belt, I feel really good about the work I’ve done so far and really motivated to keep going.

Back home, Izzy was delighted to see me, which was very sweet; she was positively trembling with joy. I let her out of her crate (we are attempting to crate-train her and she’s taking to it fairly well) and we played with various toys for a while before I crashed on the sofa and accidentally fell asleep; between the hydrotherapy and chasing after Izzy, I was exhausted.

I slept for a couple of hours and then dragged myself up for some food and caught the train to London. Barely a week earlier, I’d joined an online creative workshop run by the arts organisation, Magical Women (run by and for neurodivergent women and non-binary individuals). The atmosphere was really positive, everyone was really nice and supportive, and I felt really included, despite it being my first session. After that workshop, I got an invitation to the private view of the founder’s new exhibition, Biodiversity of Sites and Sounds by Elinor Rowlands. I didn’t have much experience of the organisation and the people involved but they felt like a group I wanted to be a part of so I rearranged my plans and hopped on a train to London.

The gallery was gorgeous. I love more abstract styles and pieces of art. I love how they’re completely open to your interpretation: what they are, what they mean, and what they make you feel. I really liked Elinor’s work and ended up pouring over the postcards, trying to not just buy one of each canvas.

I met some really lovely people too and it felt like a really safe space with pretty much everyone in attendance being neurodivergent. That was a nice ratio for a change. I was a little disorientated, having gotten lost on the way, and so I was struggling a bit with how to join in the socialising but fortunately everyone was really friendly and I was quickly included in multiple discussions. It was really, really nice and if I hadn’t had to catch a train back home, I would’ve liked to have joined them all in the pub after, most us having stayed until the exhibition closed.

And that was when it all went wrong (and becomes blurry, as meltdown and almost-meltdown experiences often become afterwards). I was standing at the lift with the last group of people when I realised I didn’t have my leather jacket, my favourite jacket and the one that I wear everywhere; it’s a deeply important and confidence-boosting piece of clothing. I retraced my steps and when I still couldn’t find it, I searched the whole floor, getting increasingly more panicked. Given how late it was, there was no one around and my group of people had already left so there was no one to ask. I called my Mum, sobbing and hyperventilating, and she tried to calm me down enough to make a plan, but then I was locked out of the building and I was overwhelmed with the feeling that my jacket was gone forever: I could’ve left it somewhere inside or on a wall during one of the many moments I’d stopped to check my map app. I was frozen: I couldn’t think and I was struggling to talk; I couldn’t take deep breaths so the hyperventilating continued; I couldn’t move but I was shaking; I felt completely overwhelmed by every light and every sound and every movement, like a car or a motorbike or a person, startled me, feeling so sudden and completely unpredictable and like I couldn’t keep track of them all; I felt extremely vulnerable; and I felt so ridiculous and stupid (I remember calling myself ‘a fucking idiot’ over and over again, for losing the jacket and for caring about it so much in the first place). I had to wait ages for a bus back to the station and despite the amount of people, no seemed to notice my trembling or hiccuping sobs.

Somehow I managed to get back to the station and catch a train home. Between the lack of jacket and the exhaustion of the almost-but-not-quite-meltdown, I was desperately tired and quickly got cold. The journey felt very long but eventually we pulled into the station and Mum was waiting for me at the barrier, Izzy bundled up in her blanket like a little puppy burrito. Despite everything, the picture brought a smile to my face.

Back home and snuggled up on the sofa with Izzy, I continued my New Tricks rewatch (an old favourite – although there are moments that would never have been written now) for an episode or so before going to bed; I just needed some time to decompress (and get warm) before I tried to sleep.

FRIDAY

I struggled up early and sorted out Izzy: she’s doing so well that I can’t really complain but I’m finding the aggressive shift from ‘late sleeper’ to ‘early bird’ pretty tough. Anyway, as I said, Izzy was really good, eating all of her breakfast out of her bowl (rather than refusing anything but hand-feeding) and using the puppy-pad perfectly. She’s such a good girl and she’s so adorable and happy when we praise her: she’s so pleased with herself.

I had a quick shower and then headed out for a meeting with a mentor I have as part of an organisation dedicated to supporting autistic individuals post-education. For a number of reasons, we’ve been very slow to get started but now we’re finally meeting on a regular basis. She’s really nice and because she’s neurodivergent with a lot of the same health problems as me, she understands me in ways that a lot of people don’t. I’m still not sure about how the sessions are supposed to help but we’re still getting to know each other and I guess it will become clear in time. This doesn’t really feel like the time or place to discuss the sessions, if only because we’re still so early in the process, but there was one thing I wanted to note: we’ve changed rooms and in this new room, there’s carpet on the wall – presumably for soundproofing – but it looks like grass, dark green and shag-like pile, and I was instantly compelled to touch it. There was just something so pleasing about it and when Mum picked me up at the end, I… expressed my desire to have a similar set up. Very enthusiastically. I do need to soundproof my space better to improve my vocal recordings after all… She’s unconvinced.

Back home, I briefly caught up with two of my parents over FaceTime before having a lie down on the sofa, Izzy curled up with me. I was completely exhausted and the gentle, repetitive stroking of her soft puppy fur almost put me to sleep. I’d hoped to get some writing done before my friend, Dan, arrived but apparently I was just too tired. And Izzy is deeply distracting (which I’m sure she knows and relishes). But such is life. Izzy was delighted to see Dan and Dan was delighted to see Izzy; he really loves her and she really loves him. It’s very cute. They were instantly playing and it was very enjoyable to watch.

We’d had vague plans to continue our Fringe rewatch etc, but we literally ended up playing with Izzy and chatting. I’m not complaining though; it was really, really nice. Something that I love about our friendship is how we can just talk and talk about pretty much anything – from the newest odd facts we’ve learned to how our week has been to some of the deepest stuff possible – for hours and hours and while we can be deeply serious, we also laugh a lot. It’s really lovely and I’m so grateful for this relationship that we’ve built.

So it ended up being a very chilled out day. We dropped Dan off at the station early evening and then came home and stretched out in the living room. I was really tired but it was much too early to go to bed so Mum and I continued our New Tricks rewatch and I finally posted about Izzy on social media…

We had a particularly good fish and chips for dinner and although I tried to do some writing, I really didn’t achieve much. I couldn’t concentrate and I just couldn’t get comfortable; it certainly doesn’t help that the desk I use when sitting on the sofa has all but collapsed and basically pins me to the sofa. I need to get a new one but I haven’t found any that have adjustable legs, which is kind of key in my experience. Hopefully one will pop up in my searches soon.

Izzy did interrupt the peace of the evening when she swiped the kitchen roll off the sofa and proceeded to unroll it all over the carpet. It was very funny – she was clearly having an absolute ball – but it took ages to persuade her to let go and tidy it all up. Again, I can’t really complain: it was so cute and Izzy is so excitable and, on the whole, it wasn’t a huge hassle. It’s hard not to be touched by her innocent wonder and pure excitement about the world. Everything is fun; everything is an adventure or a game.

She had a good ten minutes of zoomies, which is always very funny and very adorable. Having said that, it did then devolve into barking and nipping, which I was not pleased with, and I don’t enjoy telling her off, even though I know it’s what she needs to understand what she can and can’t do. I got ready for bed, letting her run and run and run – hopefully burning off the last of her energy (it’s not long until we can take her outside and to the park, thank goodness). I was in bed and finishing the last of my diary notes when she finally calmed down and came to me, asking to be lifted onto the bed. She wandered around for a little bit and then stretched out across my legs, falling sleep. Little weirdo. It looked so uncomfortable but she seemed perfectly content. Having her there was very comforting: I was feeling very overwhelmed and unprepared for everything coming up and her heartbeat, her breathing, and her warmth were very soothing. It didn’t solve anything – that would be a pretty big ask – but I did feel a little less panicked for her presence.