I was diagnosed with severe OCD around contamination.

OCD is not just neatness.    It’s a true fear and you get voices in your head telling you and constantly undermining you.

OCD ruined my life.  I could not sit down without having a panic attack because I was being told by OCD that I would get ill and get diseases and all sorts.   Every night I would have to take a 2-hour shower which consisted of me counting how many times I washed myself, doing exactly what the OCD voice was telling me, and if I did not follow that then I would be there for hours trying to make the OCD voice happy.

I then developed a fear of guilt.  I felt guilty for everything (the way I looked at someone, the way I said things) and I would have to say sorry about 300 times in my head over and over.

Every second of my life turned into pure fear.  I had a ritual or very small action I would do from speaking to getting dressed etc. due to OCD.  I missed out on opportunities and socializing.  This made me depressed.

I would just sit on a blanket everywhere I went, I would wash my hands till they were raw red, and bleeding, my mum would have to monitor and time my showers, hand me out my clothes, pants, socks, soap, pillow cases, bedding, hand sanitizer.

I would get up about 10 times by being convinced by my OCD that I had dirt in my hand and made myself believe that I could see the dirt on my hand, I used to cut my nails so short that they would bleed and I wasn’t able to hold things.

I couldn’t move my hands. I was lost in my head.   My mum would say “I’ve lost my baby girl, she’s gone.”

I then started to get help after my mum repeatedly called doctors and spent nights on edge and saying that I would have to go to hospital, but luckily I got an emergency referral.

I got a psychiatrist that specializes in anxiety and OCD, I had to do CBT and I was so weak and lost and scared that the only way I could start CBT was by going on medication. CBT is where I would have to stand up to the voices (OCD) and this was the hardest, facing your worst fears until they were no longer intrusive to you, every second every minute of the day I was being shredded apart and losing myself more and more.

I cannot list all the things I was being told to do by OCD, I could go on for days.

I now have myself back, I still have intrusive thoughts and will always have OCD but I have learned to not listen to it and stand up to it. I am now a fighter!

The post I am now a fighter appeared first on International OCD Foundation.

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