I’m not ok, and if I’m being honest, I can’t remember the last time I truly felt ok. Most days, I feel like I’m swimming in an endless sea of difficult emotions and struggling to stay afloat. I start most mornings by having a 30 to 60-minute crying session before pulling myself together to tackle the day ahead. And that’s if I’m able to pull myself together. Some days, I can’t manage to do anything other than make my coffee and get back in bed. I’m filled with heartache, anger, grief, confusion about myself and life, feelings of worthlessness, negativity, and just an overall sense of pain– so much pain.
I’m not ok, and I realize it’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok for me to be struggling with feeling joyful or positive. It’s ok for me to be upset about my current life circumstances. It’s ok for me to be in pain and to sit with that pain. I sit with my feelings daily in meditation. I invite them in, and together, we process what’s happening inside and around me. I know I can’t allow them to consume me. I know I can’t stay stuck where I currently am.
It’s ok to fall apart as long as you get up and put yourself back together.
Yesterday, I wasn’t ok, and I’m not today either. I doubt I’ll be fine by next week or even next month, but I’m holding space for my heavy emotions. I’m giving myself time to be a mess while knowing that I’ll eventually come home to myself.
Many of us feel pressure to force ourselves to be in a good mood or to have it all together. There’s a certain fear associated with being sad, depressed, or feeling anything other than happiness. I fear that I’m a burden and will bring others down. I even find myself apologizing to others for not being in a good mood.
Let this be a reminder that your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to experience challenging emotions. You’re allowed to not be ok. Having low periods is a natural part of life. Even the most joyful people go through rough patches.
Although I’m not ok, I’m still gentle and loving with myself. This has also been hard, as my inner dialogue can be extremely critical, but I’ve been giving myself the same grace I’d extend to someone I love. In accepting that we’re not ok, we allow ourselves to feel our feelings and release the shame around not being ok.
If today, all you did was survive, that’s ok. There’s a tomorrow, too. Know that it’s ok not to be ok. You don’t have to pretend to be happy. Cry if you need to. Yell. Curse. Fall apart completely, and know that sitting with whatever arises is healthy. You have to feel in order to heal.