Filler Blog. This one is personal.

Explicit Language.

The one song that resonates with me I’d like to share with you.

I lost my smile. 2023 has been a very interesting year for me to say the least, I have had the best and worst times. I am surprised I have reached this far but I am incredibly thankful and blessed for the positive experiences. This is a long form read, grab some masala chai.

Travel

..I’ll let you in on a little secret, there’s a whole world out there waiting for you, great cities and art and music, genuine beauty, and you can have all of it.

Niklaus Mikaelson (Joseph Morgan)

When I wrote the end of 2022 blog I mentioned wanting to travel more the following year and in 2023 I accumulated five destinations. Portugal, Fuerteventura, Netherlands, Zambia and Spain.

I love travelling so much. I especially love being by a large body of water. I love hearing the waves of the sea. I love the breeze I feel when I am by water and the feel of sand in my toes. When I am by water I can finally take a deep breath. I hope to reach larger destinations maybe Dubai? Qatar? South Korea? I heard Bora Bora is immaculate. Ay, lemme find out.

Religion

I was raised in the church, specifically Seventh Day Adventist (SDA), but now I am Muslim. Trust me, it’s not as shocking as it seems. This is the happiest I’ve ever been; it just feels right. Even though I officially reverted in April 2023, I started learning about Islam when I was 17. Now, at 26, I can confidently say that I took my time understanding religion while continually reading the Bible. I believe that everyone should invest the time to understand their religion beyond just what the preacher imparts. I cherish my Christian upbringing – I still listen to gospel music, love my Bible, and cherish attending church and singing in the choir.

However, I have found solace in the embrace of Islam. The journey hasn’t been easy; I’ve been called a terrorist by close acquaintances, and it can be a lonely path. Many have offered their opinions, especially with how I dress, which I find very odd. I wear hijab or abaya, it’s a problem, I wear shorts, it’s a problem, disrespectfully, I don’t care. Islam, to me, feels like I can breathe again. The same way I feel when I am by the sea. Islam feels like quenching your thirst after a hot summer’s day. I only pray I become a better Muslim for Allah and me. I love working on my salah, reading my Quran, and working on my tajweed. I ask Allah for anything and everything. I am happy; I am so much more comfortable and grateful, and for that, لْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ, Alhamdulillah. (All praise to God)

Friends and Family

I wouldn’t be anywhere without my friends and family. I can’t ever do this life alone; I have no desire. My friends have created spaces for me where I can be myself. I love y’all so much. I have had a lot of experiences this year. I have grown apart from some and grown closer to others. I have laughed a lot and had hella tea for my girls and from my girls. Okay purrr

Unfortunately, I unintentionally hurt the ones close to me, which hurt me more than I could ever have imagined, but I always make sure not to make the same mistake twice. Any ”mistake” made more than twice is a pattern. To my baby brother, Chilombo Chola, I love you wholeheartedly; I am grateful for you, and thank you for always making me laugh and being there for me. (Ayt not too much ) I am thankful for my parents, who always ensure I get whatever I want and need and love me wholeheartedly. Talking about love, how about lovingly putting another £500 in my account, huh, Mum and Dad? Paying for my next nail set? No? 

Relationships

It should be a relationship* because I was only romantically involved with one person, and I have never experienced such pain and hurt from one individual; how one person can cause so much trauma needs to be studied, and I do not say this to be callous. In the beginning, I said to my then-partner. I didn’t want struggle love, and well… All I ever wanted was to be loved by my person, seen by my person, and grow with someone who I felt was my person. My diary still stays the saddest book I own due to the pain endured. I got ignored and disrespected, which is ironic because I grew to love my person & studied my person during the time we were together. I learned their culture, too, so that when it comes to their family, we could communicate better and have similar interests. It just felt like the right thing to do. I even brought it upon myself to know one of their languages.

Do you know how difficult German is? Look up the word for ambulance and come back to me. Honestly, what even the fuck is that? I found amusement in it and enjoyed the research and writing process, and I brought it upon myself to, well, I am a writer, so I wrote love poems in German. Why? Because they deserved to feel loved in all aspects. I checked in with them on their mental health and tried my best to help. My love goes beyond just saying ”I love you’‘. You can tell someone ”I love you” but making them feel loved is another thing. I need to understand you so that I can care for you in a way you desire and crave to be cared for. Love can be a beautiful thing when done right. My love is authentic. I love love.

I felt like a bother when all I wanted was for us to grow a connection and spend more time together. I was cancelled on at the last minute even though plans had been made prior; I was stood up, felt ignored, and cried a lot. I was hurt. I was rarely seen but I saw my partner in all their glory like a muse. That’s where I fucked up. All I wanted was to be loved by my person, but I was always made to feel insignificant, even when I brought it up. Being unable to have uncomfortable conversations at a significant age is very telling of who you are.

I think it’s important your partner is aware of how you feel rather than making them guess; if nothing is done about it, they simply don’t care. This isn’t to say I wasn’t loved. I was, but it felt as though they loved the idea of me, which I brought up numerous times, and what I represented was valued more than my individuality, like a trophy, but I valued them more than the worth of the Koh-I-Noor.

I wasn’t perfect; my anxiety came in the way, but I tried my best to be understanding and loving. That hurts the inner child in me. I would often say things to my then partner like ‘‘Please don’t be mean to me today” ”Please be there for me; I need you” I experienced so much trauma, and I for the life of me don’t remember anything from the first year of the relationship, I got yelled at then received frivolous gifts and cheap gold. 

Giving people a second chance is more than okay — it’s a gesture of compassion and understanding. But when faced with unchanged behaviour, it’s important to recognise the line between forgiveness and enduring deception and manipulation. Despite the chorus of advice urging me to walk away, I stood my ground. I poured my heart and soul into salvaging the relationship, because this was the one connection I was determined to preserve at all..